When you’re in a relationship, you’re more often than not always trying to do what you can to keep it relatively healthy and happy. And of course, unless you’re a complete masochist, you’d never do anything to deliberately sabotage it. But it’s surprisingly easy to fall into bad habits that can slowly suck the life out of your relationship — and those can add up over time.
Being on your phone all the time
Sure, sometimes work stuff can’t wait, but regularly being glued to your phone or checking it when you’re having a conversation with your S.O. sends a subconscious message that they’re not your priority. “It can help to either be all present with your partner or let them know that you can talk once you are off your phone,” says licensed marriage and family therapist David Klow, owner of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago. “Splitting your attention often leaves the other person feeling neglected and less valued.”
Making public jokes at your partner’s expense
You know your S.O.’s insecurities, and the two of you may even laugh about them in private. But doing it in public is an entirely different story, Durvasula says, even if it’s phrased as a joke. So while your partner may think it’s funny when you say their new haircut makes them look like a less cool version of Conan O’Brien, they’re probably going to be hurt when you say it in front of your friends.
Being passive-aggressive
You know this is bad. Pretty much everyone on the planet knows this is bad — but it still happens a lot. “This is a relationship killer,” Durvasula says. “This reflects indirect communication and usually a fair amount of unhappiness and challenges with self-esteem and insecurity on the past of the passive-aggressive person.” Basically, it doesn’t make you look good and it only serves to piss off your partner. When you find yourself slipping into passive aggression (it happens), try to take a minute and think about what you really want say, even if it’s opening up about something you’ve been dreading talking about or frustrations you’ve been letting fester. Doing that instead of resorting to snark or sarcasm will get you so much farther than you think.
Starting fights over text
Text messages leave so much open to interpretation, and when you start an argument over text, you’re just asking for more issues. “Fighting via text is a setup for a mess — all the emojis in the world cannot substitute for the warmth in your eyes, a smile or seriousness when talking to your partner about something frustrating or upsetting,” Durvasula says. If you have a problem and you need to discuss it, ask them to save some time for a one-on-one later. And if it really can’t wait, call them — it’s not ideal, but hearing each other’s voices is still way better than a text.
Criticizing their family
While you probably wouldn’t start railing on your partner’s mom out of the blue, family issues can come up. “If they bring it up, then you can reinforce their opinions if you agree, but don’t fall into a trap that could come back to bite you,” Durvasula says. Instead, try be diplomatic and keep in mind how you’d feel if they said the same thing about your family.